Student Objective: Students will work in groups to create a presentation using Google Slides, which they will then share with their classmates.
Teacher Objective: Tone thigh and calf muscles with endless desk-side crouching.
Materials: 25 students
19 functional computers
Insufficient Internet bandwidth
Student Standard: Conduct short research projects to answer a question, draw information from multiple sources, and present findings.
Teacher Standard: Demonstrate boundless flexibility and infinite patience. Review “not crying in front of students” standard.
Vocabulary: shoot, crap, dadgummit, are you freaking kidding me, why God why (Note: all vocabulary will be preceded by deep, calm breathing to avoid another vocabulary lesson entirely.)
1. As students are seated, review laptop expectations. Provide safe storage space for contraband drinks and snacks that were brought to class, then apologize insincerely when Gatorade, Takis, and candy are stolen that should never have entered the classroom in the first place. Be prepared to confiscate a family-size jar of Nutella which students are passing around the classroom and eating with their fingers like bears. (15 minutes)
2. Provide a brief overview of sanitation and nutrition guidelines as you throw away the Nutella. (Cross-curricular learning! Bonus points on your evaluation!) (5 minutes)
3. Assign laptops to students, realizing that you will definitely be several short. Withhold technology access from the smartest six kids because they’re the only ones who might possibly listen to and remember your instructions. (10 minutes)
4. Write directions on the board for logging in to Google. Explain the system of school-assigned Google accounts, and threaten students with never-ending silent lunch if they forget the password they create. Allow students to begin logging in. (5 minutes)
5. Deliver impassioned rant about how students should really learn to spell their own names correctly after changing “Ramierz” to “Ramirez” approximately 900 times. Assign eight students homework of writing their name—spelled correctly—25 times, since apparently this is a new skill. (10 minutes)
6. Once all students are logged in, give whole-class instruction on how to reach Google Slides. (3 minutes)
7. When all students stare at you blankly, move from student to student, showing each one individually how to access Google Slides. (10 minutes)
8. Monitor students as they begin working productively. (2 minutes)
Power outage. All computers shut down.
9. Assign homework (What alternate careers do you think your teacher should investigate? Do your parents know anyone who’s hiring? 1 paragraph) and dismiss students.
10. After class, begin cleaning Nutella out of computer keyboards and reassessing your life choices.
Reflection: The school should invest in chisels and stone tablets, because I’m never using computers again. On the other hand, my thighs look amazing after four class periods of squatting beside students and showing them how to correctly spell their names!