Help! I Trash-Talked My Partner in a Text and Accidentally Sent It to Her

Own it and apologize, but have self-compassion.

Illustration of two teachers texting with a close-up of phone with text 'I hate Claire'

Dear WeAreTeachers:
Well, it happened. After a lunch conversation with my new teaching partner, I texted my friend my very raw, unkind takeaways. I accidentally sent it to the teaching partner instead of my friend. As soon as I realized it, I called her and told her that she was about to read some very strong, unfiltered feelings, and I apologized, but the damage is done. She says she needs time to process and is rightfully and understandably hurt and upset. This is not my finest moment as a human. Thanks for listening and sharing ideas on how to move forward. —Big Gulp

Dear B.G.,

Even though we may cringe when we read what happened with the texting mistake, we can relate to you, too. Who hasn’t made a mistake, put their foot in their mouth, or said or did something unkind? No one. The thing is, as soon as you realized the flub, you owned it and took responsibility. It’s clear that you realize there are consequences to your actions, and you did what was in your sphere of control. You are acknowledging the role you play in others’ lives and minimizing defensive reactions.

Rather than looking for someone else to blame, you accepted that you made a mistake and took courageous steps to repair the relationship. Consider reaching out to remind your partner that you are hoping they will talk to you soon. An authentic apology is a superpower. When you apologize, notice if you are inserting the word “but.” That little word can be problematic in certain sensitive contexts like apologies. “Using the word ‘but’ in the middle of a sentence can negate everything that came before it. With the many different and colloquial ways to use ‘but,’ it takes diligence to make sure communication is clear. Here I want to focus on the use of ‘but’ when communicating with others.”

So when you say you’re sorry, leave out the “but.” Own the mistake, admit you were wrong, and show you are taking responsibility for your action. Describe what happened so the other person feels that you understand what happened. Let the person know you want to fix the situation. Follow your gut here and continue giving your partner some space. And trust that this setback can become a springboard for authentic conversations. Maybe say something like, “This setback made me realize that our relationship is valuable, and I think we have some things to talk about. Are you willing to share how you feel, describe issues you have with our interactions, and come to a consensus on ways we can improve? I’m here when you are ready to talk.”


Kristin Neff describes the tender and fierce dimensions of self-compassion. Accepting your imperfections and talking to yourself in a kind way can help you heal from this real human situation. The fierce side of compassion involves self-acceptance, taking action, and motivating change. You are alleviating the suffering as best you can.

Dear WeAreTeachers:
I feel so left out today. Our school is having a spirit week. Today’s theme was “Students Dress as Staff / Staff Dress as Students Day.” There were two popular teachers with a lot of students dressed up like them. The principal even announced it and invited students to their chosen teacher’s classroom to take photos. I knew no one dressed up like me, and it put me in an awkward position. One of my colleagues was kind enough to say we could “share” some students, but I declined. Then there was a social media post about today’s “fun” activity, even mentioning all the names of the staff that students dressed up as. Everyone was mentioned except me. I feel so hurt. I hope we don’t do this spirit day ever again. Should I say something? —On the Outside Looking In

Dear O.T.O.L.I.,

Feeling left out can be so discouraging and isolating, and I’m sorry you experienced this. This experience serves as an important reminder about the unintended consequences of some activities. Students AND teachers are vulnerable to popularity contests and feeling left out.

Part of your demoralized feelings come from the dangers of comparison. All humans notice what’s similar and different from them. It’s normal for us to tend to compare. The Restoring Balance Counseling group describes how “comparison can be a trigger for negative thinking and foster a never-ending stream of negative self-beliefs.” Comparing yourself can feel like a roller-coaster ride. Your “self-worth being flung around by the opinion, words, and actions of others. Even when you do feel better than others, by comparison, the strength you gain is a temporary ego-boost.”

It seems like your disheartened feelings deepened with the added arrow of the social media post. We’ve all seen how social media can portray a situation in a more favorable way than it really was. This is a good example of that distortion. What was “fun” for some was cruel to others. The Jed Foundation emphasizes that “when we come to social media hoping to meet core human needs for connection that aren’t being met in offline life or to feel better about ourselves, we risk coming away from social media feeling even more lonely or self-critical than we started out.”

Yes, talk to your administrator. How else will they be able to advocate and adjust upcoming spirit days if you don’t? Your voice and perspective matter, and I’m sure you weren’t the only one who felt discomfort when spirit day turned into popularity contest. There are some small tweaks that can turn a spirit day from disaster to inclusive and fun. Instead of inviting the kids to dress like a teacher or staff, they could be encouraged to dress like a favorite character from a book. I hope you know you aren’t alone and that speaking up will help more than yourself.

Dear WeAreTeachers:
It’s the end of the school year and I’m overwhelmed by deadlines. Every morning I wake up to a slew of emails with requests for accommodations and leniency. My to-do list just keeps getting longer. I teach high school, and I’m buried in grading and trying to give meaningful feedback. Something has got to give. I’ve been teaching for over 20 years, and I’ve never had so many hiccups and setbacks personally and professionally. I know I need to ask for help, but I don’t want people to think I’m not good at my job. What advice do you have? —Drowning in Deadlines

Dear D.I.D.,

The end of the year is riddled with so many details. Many of us educators see a light at the end of the tunnel during the last couple of weeks of school, but it can be dimmed by that long “to-do” list. And you are right—something has got to give. Follow your own advice on that. Take some time to journal, sit and think, or stroll and reflect on what you can let go of. Are you trying to please everyone? Find a way to create a little space for yourself. That spacious feeling might be short, but it will be sweet for certain.

I certainly can relate to your feelings of being hijacked and bombarded by new issues every time I open my emails. Once I open the message, I try to deal with it right away if I can. If I need more time, I quickly write that I received their email and will be in touch as soon as possible. People are complex and life is multidimensional. Often when students are reaching out, it means they trust you and are counting on your support. I find myself giving my college students extra time for assignments, and it means so much to them. I typically sent a brief email saying, “I realize life is happening and you are in the thick of it right now. How about a few more days for the assignment? I’m here to talk if that will help.”

Can we talk about grading? It’s such a grind. Sometimes it can feel demanding, tedious, and redundant. And there are just so many things to grade. It’s clear you are responsive and personal and desire meaningful feedback over numbers. You know that’s more relevant and significant to your students. Your worthwhile feedback can take a lot of time that you don’t have right now with the end-of-the-year push. So, consider choosing one aspect of your students’ work and highlighting it. Go for depth in a dimension over breadth.

I want to address the insecurity that you feel when you ask for help. The truth is that asking for help does not mean you are weak or incompetent. It means that you value collaboration. Poet Maggie Smith says, “There’s no merit badge for pretending everything is fine. Today’s goal: Be brave enough to ask for help when you need it. There is no merit badge for Doing All the Hard Things Alone. Reach out. Keep moving.”

Live in the present as best you can. Seek inspiration by filling up your cup with experiences that fulfill your core desired feelings. Take the walk, watch the sunset, play Wordle, eke in time for fun. That to-do list will always be there, but now you can tackle it with a more positive frame of mind.

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Dear WeAreTeachers:
I teach high school art and every year we collaborate as a department team to choose the senior who is most deserving not just by grades, but by talent, attitude, perseverance, and growth. One of my students joined the Advanced Placement Art class with very little experience. He worked hard to catch up and surpass students who had been enrolled in many art classes prior. I told him to be sure to attend the awards assembly wink wink, but when I met him there he said he didn’t see his name on the program. I quickly learned that our new counselor changed many award recipients last-minute without talking to the teachers. And this counselor used a computer report and focused on G.P.A. I talked to my student and he took things in stride, but I feel terrible. Please tell me if you think this is wrong, too!

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Help! I Trash-Talked My Partner in a Text and Accidentally Sent It to Her