The last thing your students need is more tests (they probably get enough of that from the state, don’t you think?) But we’ve decided there are certain tests that any teacher would want to be moved to the mandatory list. After all, if you had the results of these five crucial tests, things would probably go much more smoothly come fifth period.
The Attention Span Test:
This intense (albeit very quick) test will assess the exact number of seconds — or nano-seconds — your kids can pay attention to one subject before drifting off into thinking about Facebook, Ivideo games, or the girl of guy sitting next to them.
The Comic (Favorite Author) Test:
This test assesses your students’ actual reading skills when they’re reading something they really want to know about—say, the latest Diary of a Wimpy Kid. That way when they just can’t figure out The Red Badge of Courage, you’ll know they’re bluffing.
The Counting Test:
This counterpart to the “comic test” tests kids math skills by allowing students to count, say, the money they’ve saved to buy the newest Lego set, instead of apples that little Jimmy has in his basket.
The Chocolate Test:
This test gives you the insight you’ll need to maintain the very fine line between “positive reinforcement to encourage good behavior” and “a sugar-induced meltdown.”
The Deer-in-the-Headlights Test:
This test will give every teacher the important data they need to decipher students’ various facial expressions- such ass the difference between “I-really-don’t-get-this” and “I-am-going-to-explode-if-I-don’t-go-pee.”