While administering a standardized test, I sometimes like to imagine what it would be like to teach in a Harry Potter book. That’s totally normal, right? One of my first active monitoring games is to assign students to Hogwarts houses based on their names and/or appearances, so I’m already in the zone. Overall, I think teaching at Hogwarts would have some huge advantages; they clearly provide housing, plus, y’know, magic. But I have a few questions I’d really need answered at my interview.
1. Are you allowed to get married?
Because, like, none of you are married. What’s up with that? Is it like entering a religious order?
2. What is the school doing in terms of college and career readiness?
I feel that it’s reasonable to assume that some of these kids will take jobs in the Muggle world, for whatever reason. But due to the school’s (understandable) focus on magical skills, they’ve got approximately a fifth grade education in math, language, science, and history. I feel that this could be a significant handicap if one wanted to be, say, a Muggle pilot or something.
3. Do Squibs have IEPs, and will their OWL scores be reflected in my teacher evaluation?
Are there modifications they can access, like maybe a special wand or something?
4. What’s the school’s policy regarding teen pregnancy?
You’ve got several hundred hormone-addled teenagers living together, enjoying hours of completely unchaperoned boy/girl alone time within their Houses. This has to be a problem. So, do you put out bowls of magical prophylactics in each common room? Is there a spell? How does this work?
5. How effective is your tracking system, and how does it affect differentiation?
Do you accelerate learning for Ravenclaws? Provide extra graphic organizers and extended time on testing for Hufflepuffs? Are there extra behavior modifications for Slytherins?
6. If you have to supervise your own detention, why do you assign so many of them?
Also, being alone in a room with a student serving a midnight detention? Does anybody else see a liability here? It’s all fun and games until it make the front page of the Daily Prophet.
7. Are capes/robes required, or merely recommended?
I’m not trying to rock the boat, I’m really not, but a bunch of teenagers with sticks that can instantly ignite things? It doesn’t seem to pair well with long, trailing swathes of fabric. I’m thinking a nice pair of black slacks and a button-down; is that okay?
8. Is there a policy on having ghosts/poltergeists/suits of armor do clerical work?
Basically, can Peeves make my copies for me? Can I have the Ravenclaw ghost take care of some essays in her spare time?
9. How’s Dumbledore as an administrator?
He seems pretty hands-off, which is great. I love not being micromanaged. But he’s also missing a lot of the time, which gives me a few concerns. When parents start sending Howlers about, well, whatever, does he back up his staff? When he is at school, does that make faculty meetings run really long?
10. Is there a teacher’s union, and does it provide liability insurance?
Here in Muggle school in the United States, we’re not allowed to let the kids play with sticks at recess because they could get hurt and we might get sued. You cram hundreds of teenagers with both magical powers and poor decision-making into one building and hope for the best. How many teachers are currently in Azkaban because of a class activity gone wrong? How many have been bankrupted by medical costs incurred by faulty spell work?
Hogwarts looks like a great place to work, and I’m thrilled to have the opportunity to interview. Teacher retention seems good (aside from Defense Against the Dark Arts), and there are multiple pubs within Apparating range for the weekends. Aside from the constant risk of death or dismemberment by evil forces, and the slight chance that, after you’re killed, your corpse could be reanimated as part of a sinister zombie army, I feel that this is a valuable employment opportunity. Thank you for taking the time to speak with me; I’ve left my resume with Mr. Filch and I look forward to hearing from you!