What if Teachers Got The Same Perks as C.E.O.s?

There’s a telling bumper sticker that emblazons the back of many teachers’ Hondas and Kias: “Teaching—the only profession where you steal supplies from home and take them into work.” Indeed, teachers aren’t just expected to give their talents to their classrooms, but they also dedicate a good part of their treasure and their time to ensuring the success of their students. This isn’t true of many others in business; in fact, many business leaders have job perks that teachers could never even dream of. But, what if the “profession that makes all the other professions” enjoyed the best on-the-job perks? Let’s examine some of them:

1. Parking spaces with names on them.

Imagine that: “Mrs. Jefferson.”

The Simpsons via GIPHY

2. An assistant to help with professional—and personal—tasks.

“Sir, don’t forget you have an IEP meeting tomorrow morning, and I scheduled a birthday date with your wife at her favorite steakhouse.”

The Devil Wears Prada via GIPHY

3. A moving company for when you change positions.

“Ma’am, don’t you worry about moving to that new grade level and upstairs. We’ve got our best men prepared to carefully move your things as soon as the school year is complete. I mean, we don’t want to impede on the children’s learning.”

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4. Vacation—and money for it.

“You’ve done such a great job this year, Mr. Rosario, that we want you to extend the Winter Break for an extra 3 days—and take your family out to some place nice to eat.”

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5. Bonuses for taking the tough kids.

“I know your class roster looks like the roster from the Bad News Bears, but here’s $10,000 for the troubles you’re about to face.”

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6. Company-paid tax prep.

“I’ve been reviewing your finances, Ms. McDonald, and if you want to take extended FMLA next year and start a College 529 account for your baby, you should invest in these specific mutual funds and deduct this and this from your taxes.”

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7. Custom furniture.

“I’m sorry, but her predecessor’s student desks and filing cabinets are just NOT going to do.”

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8. An unlimited Teachers Pay Teachers expense account.

“Mr. Lee, your lessons are superb—no matter where they come from. Keep ‘em coming!”

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9. Driver / bodyguard.

“Sir, you’re going to be late to your daughter’s lacrosse practice. Would you like me to step on it while you enjoy some decompression time?”

Kareena Kapoor Khan via GIPHY

10. Charitable donations.

“Ma’am, as part of your incentive package, you can send $100,000 to a charity of your choosing. Who would you like me to make out the checks to?”

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11. Full benefits—with no co-pays, premiums, or out-of-pocket expenses.

“The board would like to know if you’d like to cover your grandmother, too.”

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12. An on-site chef for lunch.

“Mrs. Cooper, would you like the butternut squash soup with toasted cardamom bacon or the blanched asparagus spear salad laced with watermelon and prosciutto?”

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13. Onsite day care, run by Mary Poppins incarnate.

“Mr. Evans, we just taught the students how to read Chinese and stacked all the toys by both their order and importance and value before putting them away.”

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14. Fully-covered sabbaticals.

“You’re one of the smartest people we’ve ever met that taught students how to teach students topic sentence and thesis construction. We think you should take off next school year and write a book about it.”

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15. High profile speaking gigs.

“And now, introducing to the stage, the famous Mr. Adams!”

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16. Signing bonuses.

“We really needed a behavior management teacher like you. Here’s $20,000 to show how much we appreciate you.”

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17. A personal trainer.

“Mrs. Lyon, I’ve created this exercise regimen and nutritional guideline to make you look like a ripped Wonder Woman.”

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18. Travel to learn best practices.

“You said you wanted to learn how Finland does things, so we decided to send you there over Presidents’ Weekend. Bring your family, too, sir. The skiing there is terrific.”

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19. A severance package.

“Ma’am, you’ve served this school well for the last 8 years. We’ll miss you deeply, and, for that reason, we’ve provided you with this large check as a parting gift.”

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20. A supply budget.

“You ran out of tissues? I’ll be back with a fresh box.”

Brenda Hawkins via GIPHY

What job perks do you wish teachers received? We’d love to hear in the comments.