Iām in the midst of what my husband and I are now calling a āhysterical pregnancy.ā Not that it isnāt a real pregnancy; we call it that because Iām at the point where people laugh hysterically when they see me. If youāve never experienced the miracle of childbirth yourself, Iāll give you the basics. Pregnancy is beautiful and mysterious and life giving and all that crap. Itās also awkward, embarrassing, painful, and hilariously inconvenient. And many of those inconveniences are multiplied exponentially when you are teaching while pregnant. For instance:
1. The physical demands
Admittedly, Iāve never been a dockworker. Iām sure thatās harder than teacher. I havenāt worked in a factory, either. Definitely harder. I havenāt lost all sense of perspective. But teaching requires you to be on your feet all day, five days a week. Sometimes you donāt get to sit down to eat lunch. And itās not just the standing. Sometimes you have to climb on a table because a kid threw their classmateās shoe on top of your bookcases. Or you need to roll a one-million-pound computer cart down the hall, and youāre not allowed to make a kid do it for you. Sometimes you have to arm wrestle a sixth grader to prove your dominance. Itās better if you donāt even ask your obstetrician about these activities; they will not approve.
2. Bodily functions
You know how, as a teacher, youāve trained your bladder to make no demands of you between the hours of 8:00 a.m. and 4:00 p.m.? Well, now itās being pummeled by tiny flailing limbs, and it will rise up in protest. During your worst class. When you have no para. My schoolāwhich is mercifully very smallāhas one single-occupancy teacher bathroom for the entire staff. If someone is in there when I come speed-waddling down the hall, woe unto all of us.
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3. Sub plans
Iāll have this baby at the beginning of our winter break, good Lord willing and the creek donāt rise. That means that Iāll have two weeks off already (although Iāll have to burn personal days during the break so my short-term disability will kick in) and then four weeks at the beginning of second semester. I know this will work out somehow, but I have no idea how. I feel guilty as hell for leaving my kid after only six weeks, but the other half of my brain is screaming, āFour weeks? Youāre going to miss FOUR WEEKS of school?ā Having a new baby basically means going from 96 children to 97, and Iām worried about the ones I already have.
4. Helpful suggestions from teenagers
You know the part in Gone With the Wind where Melly is in labor and things arenāt going well and Prissy suggests she put a knife under the bed to cut the pain? Well, itās kinda like that. Middle schoolers are full of helpful parenting suggestions, from what to name the baby (No, Anthony, I wonāt name it after you. First of all, you make me crazy, and secondly, itās a girl.) to how to ensure soccer dominance from infancy. Because, priorities.
5. The distraction factor
Iām still teaching like a normal person, despite basically being a cartoon manatee at this point. Iām trying to keep my kids focused and engaged. But I canāt help the fact that, over the course of the day, we watch my ankles swell like balloons blown up by sloths. I start homeroom looking like a normal person from the waist down. By the end of study hall, Iām the mayor of Cankletown. When I sit down to read out loud to my kids, the baby starts partying. Half the kids are reading To Kill a Mockingbird; the others are watching the extremely disturbing seismic activity that they can see from all the way in the back of the room.
6. Managing food and water intake
The constant peeing really is a problem, partly because I fill my giant water bottle up multiple times a day. One day a few weeks ago I got really busy and, by lunchtime, had only gone through 2/3 of a bottle of water. Then I fainted at a picnic table behind the school and may or may not have flashed several children, since I was wearing a skirt. Now I drink a lot of water. As for food, my kids are getting used to hearing grammar taught around a mouthful of cherry tomatoes or almonds. Or Swiss cake rolls. Sorry, guys.
7. Lack of alcohol
You know, on faculty meeting days you just need a glass of wine when you get home. Too bad. Not happening.
8. The knowing looks
Middle schoolers know where babies come from. It doesnāt matter that Iāve been married for ten years or that I already have a child, whom most of my students have met. Iām basically a walking billboard proclaiming that, at some point in the not-so-distant past, I had sex. And now they all know. Shudder.
Iāve got eight more weeks until Iām due, and I figure there are some things that will be advantageous. The entire month of December, if I sense that my students are distracted, Iām going to let out bloodcurdling, going-into-labor screams to refocus their attention. Thatāll be fun. I get to eat all the Costco castoffs they put in our workroom with no real sense of guilt, so thereās a lot more cheese danish in my life now.
Teaching right up to my due date isnāt ideal, and Iām definitely moderately concerned that I will end up giving birth in my classroom. I could live with that, except that carpet is gross and thereās a mild lizard infestation that always gets worse in the winter. It wouldnāt be ideal. Until then, Iāll be teaching and grading and yelling and planning and acting as a living advertisement against teen pregnancy for my students. But Iām still not naming my baby Anthony.
What perks of teaching while pregnant did we miss? Come and share in our WeAreTeachers HELPLINE group on Facebook.
